Looking a Gift Horus in the Mouth
by Random Guise
Summary: A one-shot from the movie "Sand Pirates of the Desert" that sort of existed in the 2001 movie "The Majestic". It's complicated - an explanation is at the end of this short. I don't own these characters, but I'm sure it was one of Bruce Campbell's finer roles.


**A/N: This fills in a little more detail on the 1951 movie "Sand Pirates of the Sahara".**

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Looking a Gift Horus in the Mouth

"Why are you stopping, my boy?" Professor John Meredith asked of the young explorer that had been hiking in front of him. In truth, the older man quickly took the opportunity to sit himself on a large rock beside the path they were blazing.

"I learned a long time ago to negotiate from a position of strength" Roland answered as he wiped the machete off on his khaki pants before sheathing it. He looked up at where the blazing sun had been just an hour before; storm clouds had been moving in from the east and were darkening, something they had not encountered during the first part of their journey that took place in Egypt but was all too common here in the tropics of Central America. With the professor's beautiful daughter Emily out of earshot towards the back of the line of bearers and guides, Roland took the opportunity to ask questions. "I agreed to come along on this trip of yours because I needed the money. But I need to know what we're looking for so I can be on my best game; besides, it wouldn't hurt you to take a short break if your heavy breathing is any indication."

The kindly old professor mopped his brow and smiled. "I'm no spring chicken anymore; archeology is a game that befits the young far more than those of us who are more…mature."

"Then why are you here? Surely there must be archeologists with, ah, a lot less miles on them."

"Because it also requires brains, and that is a commodity severely lacking in your generation. Don't get me wrong - in twenty years you'll have a decent head on your shoulders after you've had a chance to learn a few things."

"In twenty years I'll be swinging on a hammock under a palm tree, retired" Roland said as he laughed. "That head will be wearing a straw hat."

"That's assuming you'll still have your head after twenty years, infidel" another voice said as a new speaker arrived. The dark swarthy individual wore the traditional robes of the African desert, and although they looked out of place in the jungles of Central America his very bearing silenced those who might have made a comment to his face. Prince Khalid glared at Roland as though he would personally like to be the individual that performed the removal.

"Unlike certain people, I like to keep something in mine" Roland snapped back, rubbing his thin but dark mustache "so I think I'll keep it right where it is." He returned Khalid's stare with one of his own. Roland had a habit of surviving what life had thrown at him so far; more than once he'd been counted as dead only to come back like a self-addressed letter with plenty of postage.

Khalid was about to provide a further insult, but the professor interrupted. "I was just about ready to tell Roland why we're here" he said "after journeying all the way from Egypt. It can't hurt to tell him a little background about our quest."

"A fool's chase" Khalid said as he spat on the ground. "The gods were ours; they shared their world with no one else. You come into our country like...like pirates of the sand, raid the Sahara and leave to pillage elsewhere."

"Eh?" Roland asked. "We're going up against gods? I don't think I brought the right weapon for that." He slapped his hand against the hilt of the long saber sword that was his trademark. "But as a 'sand pirate of the Sahara' then I suppose I can defend myself as well with it as anything, unless we brought a cannon along."

Khalid snickered. His scimitar was much more formidable than Roland's puny thin blade.

"Our intrepid explorer won't be going up against any gods" the professor assured him. "No, I'm trying to prove something else. All indications are that the pantheon of Egyptian gods originated there in Prince Khalid's homeland. I have no doubts about that, but that isn't what I'm trying to disprove. Oh, hello Emily" Meredith said in greeting as his daughter joined the group.

"Miss Meredith" Roland said with a wink.

"Greetings, my desert dove" Khalid said softly.

Emily nodded to the group as she blushed slightly. She found both men fascinating; Roland was almost like a Boy Scout who had just found out life didn't end if you returned a library book late, and Prince Khalid was more like someone who would take your last dollar but only after melting your heart with his best smile - as rare as it might be to grace his dark good looks.

The professor continued "I was just explaining to Roland that the reports I received had to be checked out. A native who stumbled upon a lost Mayan pyramid returned to his village where he told wild tales about a huge statue of a god with the head of a falcon; he died shortly afterward, according to the missionary who lived with the people."

"Maybe he was delirious with jungle fever or something" Roland offered.

"Or even a bite from a snake" Khalid said, snapping his teeth in Emily's direction. "Don't worry my dear; if a snake tries to attack you, I shall cut its head off and make a purse from his skin for you."

"What, you don't extend professional courtesies?" Roland asked, trying to insult Khalid. The insinuation hit its mark and the Prince seethed.

"Gentlemen please; we need each other to survive this adventure. If you wish to kill each other, please do so after we return to civilization" the professor pleaded.

"I'll put it on my calendar" Roland quipped. "So, how do you know this native guy just wasn't seeing things? Maybe he was trying to impress a girl or something."

"Because" Emily continued for her father "in his hand he had this." She pulled a chain from around her neck and it pulled up a cartouche from within her bosom. Roland had never wished to be a cartouche before, but the thought occurred now. "The language obviously places it from Egypt, but it is completely out of place in Central America. It has no more business being there than a…a…polar bear."

"Are you sure?"

"My daughter has a gift for languages that I do not, alas, have" the professor said with a sigh. "If she says it comes from a specific language, it does. Her knowledge doesn't extend as much into the history and culture of peoples; that's my department. But it ultimately brings a question to bear: _Just how did the cartouche get there?_"

"Anything else I should know about?" Roland asked. "Besides the fact that the Prince here needs a better deodorant, I mean." Khalid, instead of taking insult, actually sniffed under his arm.

"No, that's about it. Emily is here to translate, the Prince is here to represent his country, and you're here to be my arms and legs."

Roland unsheathed his machete and flexed his muscles. "Well, these legs are happy to know where they stand" he said. "But we really should beat a path to those tall trees over there before that storm hits."

"We might even find refuge in those ruins just inside them" Emily added.

The professor stood and strained to look at the trees, trying to catch a glimpse of the ruins and failed. "My goodness you've got wonderful eyes, Emily."

"I sure think so" Roland remarked under his breath as he stroked his prominent chin and headed out.

Khalid heard the comment and growled inwardly.

The End

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**A/N: A little bit of explanation might be in order. "Sand Pirates of the Sahara" was a made-up movie whose screenplay was written by the main character in the 2001 movie "The Majestic", which takes place in 1951. It was used to link the first part of the film with an amnesiac regaining his memory in a later segment, and so only a small portion of the made-up movie was shown. But a prop was used that was used in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and was supposed to be from the Americas, but it occurred in a tomb that had the Egyptian god Horus; this story is an attempt to "explain" the discrepancy and set up the rivalry between Roland and Khalid.**

**I have found "reviews" on the internet for the fake movie, which drew in a few people who didn't realize it was a ruse. The portions of the movie that were actually filmed can be found on YT.**


End file.
